I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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