My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
