i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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