I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
