Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
