Tell her she can't have a vagina
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
