It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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