I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
