so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
