im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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