The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.