twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
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You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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