...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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