Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
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Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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