Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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