Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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