I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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