Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
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I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
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HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.