my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down