I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
