the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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