some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
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Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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