Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
