she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
