can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
