Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
