I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
