we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
