the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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