My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Randomize
