dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize