nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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