Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can text with my tongue
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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