i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
