I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
