So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
