She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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