That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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