apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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