a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
