Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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