I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
