Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
