I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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