It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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