I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
