I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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