Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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