shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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