I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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