Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
