to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
