I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
