Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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