Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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