Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
