I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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