My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We had sex on a dog bed..
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You brought string cheese to the strip club
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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